Writing, Running, Being.

The finish line is a shifty Thing and what is life, but reckoning?
Ani DiFranco

Monday, March 29, 2010

Type-A Freakness

I've never been a control freak. In fact, I've always felt that I don't fit in with most runner/athlete types because I do not have a Type-A, obsessive personality. I leave drawers half open, I never tighten lids all the way, and I never quite finish my paintings. I'm a half-asser. Never having the desire to control things has made me a fairly laid back person. Lately though, something has changed. I think it has something to do with having a 2 year old (and a puppy). I often feel like no one is listening to me. I ask nicely, then I ask nicely again, then I ask sternly, then I yell. I hate yelling, but it seems yelling is the only way I know how to talk anymore. It makes me freakin hate myself! I never wanted to be a person that tells other people what to do.

I'm starting to think that maybe I do have some control issues. I never had a problem not being in control, but now I feel totally out of control and that's bothering me. I know when it started, too. It was the little pink line on the EPT that still haunts me three and a half years after it materialized out of my HCg-laden pee. Damn, I really felt out of control sitting on that toilet watching my freedom just die. I don't think I even knew a baby would come of it. Much less a toddler. All I could think about at the time was the uncontrollable growth of my belly and its surrounding body parts. I decided to just let it all happen. My boyfriend and I decided we wouldn't be like other people with kids. We would still ski and snowboard and I would still do triathlons. We would travel too. We agreed that babies are portable and we would just take him wherever we went and we'd keep on living. We'd barely even know he was there.

I let that little fetus overtake me. The problem is, I'm still letting him overtake me. Only now, he's out here in the world with us. He doesn't think it's appropriate for me to all of a sudden demand some respect. So we battle. All day long, we fight for the power. We each try to gain control. And I become one of those.

I think moms run for different reasons than other people. I used to "train" (not in a Type-A freak way) because I wanted better times. Now I run because it's the only thing that keeps me from going insane. I feel that I have to sign up for certain events to justify all the running, but honestly I could live without racing. During the week, I run in the middle of the day when my husband comes home from work. By that time, I need out. But on Sundays, I get up early to run. It's so ironic that all week I can't wait to get out of this house and away from this family, but on Sunday, it takes everything I have to pull myself away from them. I love my family in the shape of a warm, sleepy mass in my bed. Departing a warm, sleepy bed to embark on a cold, morning run is a characteristic of one of those Type-A, obsessive, control-freak runners, so maybe I do have a little of that inside of me.


Brian said...

Do you really need a picture of me drooling on your blog site? I will admit though, we do look comfortable and inviting.

Paula (Adventure Junkie Mom) said...

Aww Marny, we all get a little type A crazy once in a while. Doesn't have to stick tho. LOL
Great pic. Hard to leave the "warmies" behind for me too. And yes, you are right, he is portable. Greg & I have lived our lives the same way. Kids or no kids, it never mattered. We kept doing what we love. Running, traveling, camping, surfing, you name it. I always said, "We still go do things, we just pack more stuff." Our kids adapted and I think are all the better because of it.

Bethany said...

I think we all have those moments from time to time. Even though some days you just can't wait to burst out the door for your few hours of running away...it's always nice to have a place (and people) to run back to.

And good for you for sticking to what you love. Not every parent has the strength to do that...and the next thing you know, they are 50 years old with kids who left home, and they have no idea who they are...

Anonymous said...

This is such a sweet, heart-felt post. Thank you for sharing...I have to say though the line "we wouldn't be like other people with kids" made me LOL :)

jill said...

i love the pic of the family bed - very cozy! claire now sleeps in her own bed, and i miss her little body all warm &snuggly next to me. at disney, we shared a bed and i treasured it (minus the fidgeting). i think the warm cozy bed is why i am not a morning runner - i just cant get up & leave when it's cold and dark outside and all my love is tucked beneath a down comforter.

Marny said...

Yeah the family bed isn't really on purpose anymore. Jonas comes into our room sometime in the early morning or the middle of the night. It's a tight squeeze now that he's so big!